Posted by: forfreedomalone | 03/03/2014

Oh, shut up!

She droned on and on, her high pitched, whining voice was grating on my ears like nails on a blackboard; I really wished she’d shut up. But, this is part of the lot of counselling, we have to listen to the back story so we know where we need to go.

Then she handed me the perfect opportunity on a plate.

“Really”, she said, with an apologetic, shy grin, “I don’t know how he has put up with me, I mean, you wouldn’t would you?”

“You” is often used, in the UK, to mean ‘anyone’ and not necessarily the person to whom you are speaking. ‘One’ would be more appropriate, but she used “you” and I took it.
“No”, I said, “I wouldn’t. The man must be a Saint”.

She stopped in mid word, mouth open and stared at me.

“You have talked and talked about how dreadful you are and how awful you are to live with. You are wanting reassurance that you are lovable and acceptable, so that you can stop feeling so bad about yourself. You want me to highlight all your good points, to persuade you, and in due course, him, that you really are someone who deserves to be loved. But the problem is, you are not lovable nor are you acceptable. You are awful. You would drive a man to drink!
You are totally focused on YOU and all this talk of how awful you are is a trick to con people into saying nice things about you, but it won’t work, you’ll still feel dreadful about yourself. That is why you are still at this after all these years with this amazing man.

The most important point you are missing is that for 23 years he HAS loved you, he has provided for you, he has stood by you, he had never left you, had an affair or kicked you out. Stop looking at you and start looking at him”.

To say she was furious was an understatement, but the following week she returned and repented. She changed her mind about what she had been doing. She acknowledged that she did feel bad about herself and that nothing her husband did was enough to make her feel better, because her focus was constantly on her.
In the week between our chats she had focused, as much as she knew how, on him; on what he did, how he spoke, how he loved her and she was amazed at what she saw.

He seemed not to see how awful she was! The more she focused, over the coming weeks on his love, the less she, also, saw how awful she was.
Their marriage is going to be fine.

If you are part of the Bride of Christ, how’s yours?

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