Posted by: forfreedomalone | 02/09/2017

The Four ‘R’s

Have you ever wondered why it is that some apologies seem to fix the hurt and others do not? How, sometimes, a person can say “I am sorry” and it just doesn’t heal the wound you experienced?
Apologies come in two ‘types’. There is the Apology of Regret, which the first type.
The Apology of Regret says “I am sorry you were hurt by what I did or said”. It may be genuinely offered and be a true expression of regret at hurting another person, but it doesn’t do the job of healing the wound inflicted by the offense.
Then there is the Apology of Repentance.
The Apology of Repentance says “I am sorry you were hurt by what I did or said, I understand why that was and I intend never to do or say that again”. This is the apology of intent, or turning, of changing the mind. This is the apology of healing.
So what is the difference?
The third and fourth ‘R’s; Recognition and Responsibility.
Without taking responsibility for what was said or done the Apology of Repentance cannot be issued because you always have a justification or excuse for why you did or said what caused the hurt. You are, in fact, laying the responsibility for the hurt at the feet of the other person. Without taking responsibility for our own words and actions we can never, truly, repent. How can you move to change what does not need changing?
The person who has been hurt needs to send away the offense caused to them, to prevent festering and further, one could say, ‘self inflicted’ suffering. If we hold on to something which is a foreign body, we are agreeing to it infecting us, filling us with toxins and causing us to become, possibly deathly, ill. This is no longer the responsibility of the ‘wounder’, but of the ‘wounded’.
But if healing is to take place between the two parties an Apology of Repentance is essential. The wound will not heal without it and the offense will be repeated over and over again until the relationship is so damaged it cannot be repaired.

This applies to on going relationships. Those who ‘wound and run’; or have died; have severed the relationship already and there is no relationship or heal. The pain you continue to feel, without the Apology of Repentance, is, in fact, the pain of a wounded relationship, a relationship in which a part of you is deeply invested.

If you find you have been wounded, sent the offense away as quickly as you can. This is loving yourself.
If you have wounded, recognise, take responsibility and repent as quickly as you can. This is loving others.

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